Justin Read online

  For a moment, neither of them spoke. Tears spilled down Lillian’s cheeks, and Justin’s vision blurred. He was acutely aware of Deanna warm at his side, her presence giving him strength.

  “It broke me to give her up, Justin,” Lillian was saying. “I never wanted to.”

  Justin squeezed her hand. “I know why you did. You’d worked at DNAmo; you were a sex-worker. If anyone put together that a Shareem was the father . . .”

  Lillian shot a nervous glance at Deanna, but Justin shook his head.

  “Deanna knows. She’ll keep the secret, and so will Elisa. They both were instrumental in helping me find you.”

  “And why did you find me? To tell me our daughter is beautiful and break my heart all over again?”

  “I want to set up a meeting with her,” Justin said. “You have the right to do that as her biological mother, now that she’s of age, without revealing your identity if you don’t want to. And if I can be there, without anyone knowing but her—Lillian, I can finally meet her, tell her . . .”

  He stopped as Lillian began shaking her head. “I don’t want to see her.”

  “Why not? I sure as hell do.”

  “Because giving her up was the hardest thing I ever did in my life,” Lillian said in a hard voice. “I put it all behind me. I don’t want to be reminded of what I was ever again.”

  “None of what you did was your fault. You gave up Sybellie to protect her.”

  Again, Lillian shook her head. “I took the job at DNAmo for the money. I helped people do experiments on you, for the gods’ sakes. They told me you couldn’t form an emotional connection with anyone, but when I found out you were developing feelings for me, I let myself believe it was all because of me. I’d broken through to you. I was arrogant, and I didn’t bother to hide the fact that I was proud a Shareem wanted a real relationship with me.” She drew a breath. “Then the wrong people found out, and you paid the price. So did Sybellie. Another reason I’m here is that my ignorance and arrogance have ruined three people’s lives. Better that I’m in seclusion so I can’t do that again.”

  Lillian dropped Justin’s hand and stepped back, as though again severing herself from her former life.

  “You were young, and their rules were asinine,” Justin said.

  “Doesn’t matter. I was careless, and I hurt you, and her. Our daughter is still in danger of someone discovering you are her father, and if they learn it because I try to contact her and meet her . . .” She trailed off. “No, Justin. I won’t be careless again. Not even for you.”

  Justin went silent, the emotions he wasn’t supposed to have whirling through him so swiftly they left him numb. The one emotion he didn’t feel was surprise.

  “I think I knew you wouldn’t want to see her,” Justin said slowly. “If you had, you’d have been able to find a way before this.”

  “I took my vows and retreated for a reason, Justin. I don’t like the real world. It was never good to me.”

  “And the Way of the Sun is?”

  Lillian’s smile returned, and with it came a serene look. “Yes.”

  Justin exhaled, a part of him that hadn’t relaxed in a long time unclenching.

  He reached for her hand again, tugged her to him, and kissed her forehead. “Be well, Lillian.”

  “You too, Justin. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. Thanks for seeing me. It . . . helped.”

  The visit had closed a door that had needed to be closed for a while. Now Justin could move on.

  Giving him one final smile, Lillian withdrew her hand from his grasp and tugged her veils back over her face. She turned around and walked out of the garden room without saying good-bye to any of them.

  Justin blew out his breath. “Thanks, Elisa. Deanna.” He squeezed Deanna’s hand, which he’d never released. He’d held her like a lifeline the whole time. “How about we go home?”

  Deanna gave him an incredulous look. “Wait a minute,” she said angrily. “That’s it?”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Justin’s blue gaze fixed on her, his face showing no emotion at all. “What else is there?”

  “Justin, you searched for her for months, you came all this way, and she won’t even help set up a meeting with Sybellie. And all you can say is how about we go home?”

  Justin put warm hands on Deanna’s shoulders. “It’s done, love.” He kissed her forehead. “Thank you.”

  Deanna looked past him at Elisa, who shook her head and shrugged.

  Justin said nothing as they made their way out through the streets of the small town. Since it was a town under supervision of the Way, the streets had heat shielding and trees growing in stone tubs along the curbs. They walked in comfort to the train, where the others were waiting, but they walked in awkward silence.

  Justin kept quiet all the way back to Pas City, but he sat close to Deanna and cradled her hand in his. The other Shareem and ladies were subdued, even Aiden not joking very much.

  When they reached Pas City and its glaring end-of-day heat, and Deanna said good-bye to all, Justin finally came out of his stupor.

  “Where are you going?” he asked in a sharp voice.

  “I have things to take care of,” Deanna said. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out with Lillian.”

  Justin’s eyes narrowed, but at least he wasn’t wearing that dead look anymore. “I thought you were coming home with me. I want you there.”

  Deanna wanted to be there too, but she did have things to do that she could not do from Justin’s bed—as pleasant as it might be to stay there.

  “I’ll see you later.” She couldn’t kiss Justin in a public train station without getting him arrested, but she sent him a look that she hoped he’d take as caressing.

  Justin seized her wrist, holding their hands down so they’d be concealed by their sunblocking robes. He looked at her for a long time, his need pouring through his touch.

  Finally, he released her, scowling, and let her walk away.

  *** *** ***

  “Elisa told me what happened,” Rees said, as the two of them entered Rees’s apartment. “Did you get the closure you wanted?”

  “Yes,” Justin said.

  Talan and the other two ladies had decided to go shopping. The other Shareem had headed for Judith’s bar, but Justin and Rees, by mutual agreement, had made their way to Rees’s apartment alone.

  Justin didn’t like the churning emptiness that had hit him when he’d watched Deanna walk away from him at the train station. He never wanted to feel that again.

  She’d been angry with him for not being more upset about the visit to Lillian. But once Justin had seen Lillian he hadn’t been very surprised that Lillian wouldn’t want to help him with Sybellie. Lillian had suffered and was working through her guilt. She’d chosen to retreat, while Justin still wanted to face things head on.

  Justin also realized that he’d lost any desire to pull Lillian back into his life. Even if he hadn’t met Deanna he knew he’d feel the same—what he’d shared with Lillian had been over long ago. Lillian had made a good life for herself, and Justin was happy to let her live it.

  Rees dispensed an ale from his refrigerator and offered it to Justin. Justin drank, thirsty after the hot walk.

  “I’m glad Lillian found a place where she’s happy,” Justin said. “She deserves it.”

  “So do you.” Rees gave him a pointed look. “So do the rest of us. And now that your quest is over, are you ready to get us to Sirius?”

  “No.” The word jolted out of him. He could leave Lillian behind without worry, but there was the question of Sybellie, not to mention Deanna.

  Pure, savage rage flashed in Rees’s eyes, a raw emotion Justin had never seen in the man—or any man—before. The anger was so deep, emotion so primal that Justin regretted he didn’t have Deanna’s stun gun handy. He knew without doubt that right now, Rees wanted to kill him.

  Rees swung away from Justin and stood still, fists clenched, back rigid, skin
shining with sweat.

  “You all right?” Justin asked after the silence had stretched. He kept his voice calm, as he’d learned to handling the more dangerous off-worlders on Sirius.

  Rees turned around slowly. His eyes looked more normal, but he held himself carefully, as though only great force of will kept him from tearing the room apart.

  “Sorry,” he said. “You’re looking at the results of a Shareem experiment by the top scientists of DNAmo. They wanted the ultimate Shareem, and they got a beast who can rip down walls.” He smiled, but it was strained. “Talan knows how to keep me calm.”

  “Maybe you should call her, then, because you don’t look calm, my friend.”

  “I’ll be all right. I’ve learned how to handle it. Mostly. You were saying?”

  “I hadn’t said anything yet, but you’re helping make my point. Let me ask you—would you race off Bor Narga and leave Talan behind forever?”

  “You know damn well I wouldn’t. But if you’re saying you don’t want to leave Deanna, bring her with you. By the looks of things, she wouldn’t mind.”

  Justin shook his head. “I don’t think she’d come. Her mother is ill—a radiation accident. Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I need to pry into some deep, dark secrets.”

  “I’m a walking deep, dark secret,” Rees said. “Wait a sec.” He took a long drink of ale and sank down on the bed built into the wall. “Okay. Fire.”

  Justin took a seat, held his ale glass loosely in his hands, and started talking.

  *** *** ***

  Deanna’s leave of absence ended the next day. She returned to her station, trying to ignore the curious stares of her fellow patrollers, to find out whether she’d be allowed to stay.

  Her captain called her in for a major chewing out, which Deanna had expected, and which included instructions for her continued good behavior.

  Sure thing, Deanna had thought while she’d mouthed, “Yes, ma’am.” No arresting people vouched for by the ruling family, no matter what they’ve done. Wouldn’t want my captain to be embarrassed, or anything.

  And then she was back at work. They needed patrollers, her captain said, but Deanna was no longer on track for promotion. That would take another year of hard work, keeping her nose clean, and staying the hell away from Shareem.

  The last part would be a problem, Deanna knew.

  She also knew that Justin would not be able to keep himself from the Vistara. He hadn’t seen Sybellie in two days, and he must be itching to go. Deanna had deliberately checked in early to get her reprimand out of the way so she could be sure to get up to the Vistara before Justin did.

  When she walked into the coffeehouse on the wide avenue, Sybellie was alone. Not a coincidence, because Deanna had caused a few streets to be closed to keep the girl’s friends from reaching the coffeehouse at their usual time.

  “Oh, hello,” Sybellie said. She smiled as Deanna stopped at Sybellie’s table. “Thanks again for helping me the other day. Would you like me to get you a coffee?”

  “No, thanks. But can I talk to you?”

  “Sure. I’m waiting for some friends, but come and sit down. They’re a little late, as a matter of fact.”

  “Probably stuck in traffic,” Deanna said, taking the seat opposite her. “Some streets are closed. Leak of some kind.”

  “The streets were fine the way I come. I guess I got lucky.” Sybellie took a sip of coffee and licked cream from her lip. “What do you want to talk to me about? The man who accosted me?”

  “No. He’s left the planet. I made sure. Are you all right about him?”

  Sybellie grinned. “If you mean, do I have bad dreams and post traumatic stress disorder, then no. He was awful, but I’m pretty tough.”

  Like Justin. Sybellie had his eyes and his easy-going temperament.

  “What I wanted to talk to you about was your father,” Deanna said.

  Sybellie looked confused, then alarmed. “Dad? He hasn’t done anything wrong, has he? He’s the most honest, law-abiding person I’ve ever met, I swear to you.”

  And she loved him. Deanna saw that in her face, heard the affection in her voice.

  “Not your adopted father. I mean your real father.”

  Sybellie went still, brown eyes fixed on Deanna. The two sat in silence for a moment, and a waiter deferentially paused to refill Sybellie’s cup.

  When the waiter glided away, Sybellie spoke, her voice holding anger but calm. “Anyone can find out I’m adopted by looking it up. But I’d like to know why you looked it up.”

  “What do you know about your biological father?”

  Sybellie shook her head. “Nothing. I tried to find out who he was, once. I hired some very good researchers and paid them quite a lot, but they found nothing. Why? Is he a criminal? Or has something happened to him?”

  “No, no,” Deanna said quickly. “He’s fine.” She leaned to the young woman, keeping her voice down. “Would you like to meet him?”

  “Meet him?” Sybellie asked in a stunned whisper. “You mean you know who he is?” She stared at Deanna another moment, then her eyes narrowed. “You aren’t B.S.ing me, are you? Or scamming me or conning me? You’re a patroller, but my dad’s rich, and you’re only human.”

  “It’s not a scam or a con, Sybellie. I really do know who your dad is, and I really can take you to him. But you can’t tell anyone about him, not your adopted parents, not your friends. No one. Not even that you met him. You have to swear to me your silence, or I can’t take you at all.”

  “You’re not instilling much confidence. Why is it such a secret?”

  “I can’t tell you, and you’ll have to trust me. But I know he wants to see you. I can safely say it’s the one thing in his life he truly wants.”

  “Is it?” Sybellie flushed. “Then where has he been the last twenty-four years? I’ve been here. Why hasn’t he tried to see me before this?”

  “He was off planet, and it took him a while to find you,” Deanna said. “And then . . . Again, I can’t tell you everything. But he needs you.”

  “Why? Why suddenly come to me now?”

  “I’ll let him tell you that, if he wants to.” Deanna rose as the coffeehouse door opened, and Sybellie’s friends came in, breathless from their brisk walk. Deanna passed Sybellie a tiny com device, pressing it under the girl’s hand so the others wouldn’t see. “Take some time to think about it, then give me a call. But don’t take too long, because he might be gone again.”

  Sybellie only stared at Deanna, but she was sensible enough to slide the com under her robes before her friends saw it.

  The other young women approached, and Deanna turned away without a word.

  “Hey, Syb,” one of them said. “Sorry we’re late. It’s a mess out there. Why was that patroller talking to you? What did you do this time?” The three of them laughed.

  “Oh, it was about that guy who was harassing me the other day,” Sybellie said, giving them a sunny smile. “No big. I ordered for you all. Sit down—it should be ready any second.”

  *** *** ***

  Deanna spent the rest of her day wondering whether she should tell Justin what she’d done. How angry would he be? Or would he be glad Deanna had made the approach?

  She’d certainly take precautions. The com she’d given Sybellie was secure, linked to Deanna’s personal com and it alone. No patroller would break into it, because Deanna knew how to keep them out.

  She also wouldn’t tell Sybellie anything about Justin, until she was certain Sybellie wouldn’t run straight to her adopted parents with the news. Deanna would control the information flow every step of the way.

  Deanna finally went off duty, said good night to her colleagues—who’d decided that now she’d been let off probation, it wouldn’t hurt them to talk to her again—and walked outside to good old Pas City.

  Her feet wanted to take her to Justin’s, but Deanna made herself turn instead for home.

  As soon as she opened the fro
nt door, Deanna knew something was up. The air inside felt different, charged.

  She saw why when she walked into the front room. Reda was sitting in the corner by the holographic window, staring not quite comfortably at the tableau on sofa.

  Deanna’s mother reclined on the couch, a throw around her shoulders. She was watching, and actually listening, to Justin, who was seated beside her, Justin talking to Deanna’s mother as though she could understand every word.

  Chapter Eighteen

  When Deanna entered the apartment, Justin felt his entire being relax.

  I’m never letting her walk away from me again.

  “Justin, what are you doing?” Deanna demanded.

  She again wore her form-fitting coverall, her dark hair tamed into its severe bun. Back to being the tight-assed patroller.

  “I’m talking to your mother,” Justin said. “She was telling me about her accident.”

  Deanna glanced in surprise at Reda, who pressed her lips together and nodded. Deanna approached the sofa with careful steps, as someone might an injured animal.

  “Mom?”

  Kayla turned her head. The movement was slow and unpracticed, but she looked at Deanna fully. “Hello, Deanna. Back from work, are you?”

  Tears flooded Deanna’s eyes, and she put her fingers to her mouth.

  “I was telling your friend what happened to me,” Kayla said. She spoke slowly, the words not formed quite correctly, syllables slurred. “So he’d understand what a pain in the ass it is.” She stopped, and her lips moved into a smile. “He’s quite handsome, Deanna. Where is he from?”

  “Sirius,” Justin said before Deanna could speak.

  Her mother looked him over, again her movements deliberate, as though she had to remember how to perform them. “I went to Sirius once, when I was younger. No one there looked like you.”

  “He’s Shareem,” Deanna said in a strangled voice.

  Kayla looked puzzled, as though trying to remember the word, then her brow cleared. “Deanna. Bad, bad. No wonder he’s hot.”